My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
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i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
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I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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