you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The ass gains better be worth it
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