I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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