imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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