He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
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I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
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Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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