rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
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you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
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Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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