Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
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my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
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What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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