I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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