I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
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the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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