Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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