P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
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i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
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I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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