Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
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So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
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I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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