I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
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On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
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I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
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