Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
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Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
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I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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