god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
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you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
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you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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