Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
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Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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