i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
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his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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