Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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