The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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