i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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