My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize