Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
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Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
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It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize