my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
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She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
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i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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