i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize