I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
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I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
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I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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