When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
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"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
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I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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