I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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