brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize