your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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