I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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