And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
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remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
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I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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