There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize