doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize