Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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