why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
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i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
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It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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