I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
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so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
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your like the ambassador to my penis.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
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