So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
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Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
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She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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