I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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