I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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