Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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