just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
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when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
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i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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