I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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