That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
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my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
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I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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