does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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