I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This baby is an asshole
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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