It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
worst night to have a conscience
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
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Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
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I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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