It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize