I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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