Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
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I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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