Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
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I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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