btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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